Can destigmatizing mental health pull back the curtain on domestic violence? Here’s my story.
TRIGGER WARNING: This post will discuss topics that are emotionally difficult for some, including text-based descriptions of domestic violence.
Sixteen years ago in Huntsville, Alabama, my step brother murdered his mother. He then got in his mother’s van and drove overnight nearly 700 miles with the intention of next harming me, my step dad, my mom, and my brother in our home in Manassas, Virginia.
But this isn’t going to be about that.
It’s about pulling back the curtain on anxiety. It’s also about domestic violence. It’s about not knowing what one human has going on behind that closed door — currently, previously, or mentally.
Over the last two months in my current hometown of Indianapolis, Indiana there have been two violent news stories that made national headlines. Both were mass murders that involved a family member. In one of the domestic violence incidents, three adults and one child were murdered, in addition to the attempted kidnapping of a 6-month-old (who was found safe). In the other, a 17-year-old shot and killed six people — four were his family members, another was pregnant and a week from giving birth. The mother and unborn baby both died.
I know that’s not easy to read. It’s not easy to survive it, either. My step brother was also 17 years old at the time of the murder. My family had to go through the tortured days worrying if he would be tried as an adult or a juvenile. Thankfully, he was tried as an adult, just like the Indianapolis 17-year-old. There are other details you don’t consider though…
Even scarier were the days that Ryan spent in the Prince William County Juvenile Detention Center after being arrested in Manassas. Before Huntsville police could extradite him to Alabama, he could only be held as a juvenile in the detention center 20 minutes down the road rather than in the higher-security prison. This was in spite of the fact that he was wanted for murder, had threatened to “get us next,” and had familiarity with the facility because of spending significant time there in the past.
When I hear about another domestic murder, my heart breaks for the friends and family of every victim. Consider that the above incidents are just the stories that make it onto our radar because of how horrific they are. Unfortunately there are more every day. In Indianapolis. In your city. In any city. That’s what I think about when I hear about another life lost to domestic violence. This, and how many more? And beyond that, how many are currently managing volatile situations within their homes that we can’t even see?
There are often signs. It’s just that we don’t want to see them even when they’ve smacked us in the face. Whether you’re a friend ignoring a gut feeling or the family member who can’t see the forest for the trees, it’s usually because you couldn’t imagine someone close to you truly harming you or a loved one. The fact is that domestic murder is more common than random acts of murder. This is the realization that needs to be shocked into our conscience. Here are some facts:
- Studies on intimate partner violence from Australia, Canada, Israel, South Africa and the US show that 40% to 70% of female murder victims were killed by their husbands or boyfriends.¹
- In the US, murder was the second leading cause of death for girls aged 15-18, and 78% of homicide victims in the study were killed by an acquaintance or an intimate partner.²
- In 2018 there were 1,946 females murdered by males. For homicides where the relationship could be identified (1,606 out of 1,748), 92% were murdered by a male they knew.³
Sixteen years ago, we didn’t listen to our gut. We’d become numb to the psychopathic tendencies. The purposeful manipulation in which he “placed” himself in one of three spaces: the mental health hospital, juvenile detention, or a stint playing nice at church — the cycle would then repeat. When it was decided he’d finish his last couple of years of high school with his mom in Alabama, we were confident Toni’s sass would set him straight. Instead things went the other way. She told Ryan’s dad, my step dad, about the threatening note she found. But she was as stubborn as her son. He didn’t mean anything by it. Why would she think otherwise? Could we have done anything more?
Hindsight is always 20/20.
I was blind to it. Even when he lived with us years prior and the psychiatrists told us to double-lock ourselves in our bedrooms at night to prevent Ryan from acting out on threats. I insisted he would never hurt me. I laughed at the idea. Even if he was calling a bomb threat in to the middle school, he’d turn around the next day (before being carted off to juvie) and politely turn down his death metal music when I asked him to, or return that mascara of mine that he stole when I asked him for it. (I would’ve bought him some!) You know. Normal brother stuff.
Later, when I heard that he included my name on his list of those he threatened to “come and get next” I was stunned. I know now that I shouldn’t have been.
I want you to know that your anxiety is no less than someone else’s anxiety.
It’s yours. It’s big. It’s a thing. And it comes from somewhere. You may know where, or not. That’s okay. Doing your best to manage it day to day is all we can do.
I think a lot about the mental health of those impacted by domestic violence. It could be a situation that is long past or ongoing. It could be physical, mental, or emotional violence. They may not even know to call it domestic abuse or violence. How many people are walking about life with this heaviness, but we can’t talk about it because it’s behind closed doors?
It feels like a double-decker stigma: mental health AND domestic violence.
I didn’t talk to a mental health professional about my step brother until eight years after it appeared in the Washington Post. That would be eight years after we had media camped out in the yard of my childhood home, calling my grieving step father for comment. Eight years after those horrible weeks spent working my local college job at the coffee shop, worrying that every regular customer would come in asking me how I was feeling today…again. They were all living it with me. They couldn’t help it. We couldn’t help that one year later the trial landed so close to the day of my wedding that we were worried that my step dad wouldn’t be able to be there. Thankfully the stars aligned.
Then suddenly, in 2007, we had the chance to move to Indianapolis and get a fresh start. Where no one knew me as, “the girl whose step brother murdered his mother.” For the past 14 years it’s been more of an awkward conversation with close friends. “I feel like there’s this big thing that you should know about me? But it’s kind of weird to talk about?”
Everyone has their anxieties.
Various therapists I’ve come across are 50/50 in their reactions about Ryan being the reason for my current anxiety. They range from being vehemently appalled that anyone would think it’s not core to my being to “meh, there’s a lot going on here and you seem pretty chill about that.” My takeaway from this plethora of perspectives is that many things can contribute to anyone’s current mental state and in general we should all be empathetic to all of those things when interacting with one another. Domestic violence happens to be one of mine. Being more open about one’s past experience with domestic violence — when one is in a healthy space to be able to — is a good start.
In that vein, here are a few quirky things about me that may be helpful in discerning my anxiety triggers:
- I startle easily, but with weird things like a small toy being banged on the floor when I don’t expect it. (When a large clap of thunder would be fine.)
- I prefer to sit with my back to a corner or the closed part of a room so that I can see the main space and know when someone is approaching.
- I overly organize to maintain control, since I get worried when things are not in my control. (Therapy POV: Ryan was a thing I couldn’t control.)
- I can get overwhelmed with too many noises at once or too many people trying to talk when I’m talking. (Subcategorize: control issues.)
- I can lose a word really easily in the midst of talking. If I do, I will pretty much always downward spiral. (Subcategorize: control issues, because I can’t sit and write out what I want. I’m forced to talk right then.)
To be clear. I’m sharing about the potential residual effects of domestic violence on me after sixteen years. It’s certainly helpful and important to be cognizant of the fact that everyone goes about their days with their own things — anxiety or not. Looking through that lens is key. Beyond that, it’s essential to listen to your gut when a friend or family member is giving you pause — when they’re not acting like themselves. This time, don’t brush it off.
It may sound bombastic. But I’ll say it anyway. If we can all start talking more plainly about mental health, and also about our past red flags that led to domestic abuse, maybe we can save more lives.
Thanks for making it this far. Before you take any action related to Domestic Abuse please read the below links.
- 9 Ways to Help Victims of Domestic Abuse
* What is essential is that you validate what they are feeling and that you don’t ever inadvertently put them in harm’s way. - Warning Signs of Domestic Abuse
* Don’t make assumptions on your own. Here’s a helpful list. - The Hotline > Support Others
* The primary resource for Domestic Violence resources
WORKS CITED
¹ WHO Multi-Country Study on Women’s Health and Domestic Violence Against Women: Initial Results on Prevalence, Health Outcomes and Women’s Responses (Geneva, WHO, 2005)
² Coyne-Beasley, T., Moracco, K.E. and Casteel, M.J., “Adolescent femicide: a population-based study”, Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, vol. 157, №4 (April 2003), pp. 355–360
³ In single-offender incidents submitted to the FBI for its 2018 Supplementary Homicide Report.
